I have been so overwhelmed lately at the impact God is having on my life. It is so amazing when you find yourself coming out of a valley that you strengthen even as you walk up that hill to the top. This has been probably my 18000th mountain top but it is nevertheless no less important than the first one I climbed and reached the top of. Okay a little more detail and less creative writing is probably in order. I mentioned in a previous entry of a desire being fulfilled that I had longed for -for it seemed forever (too many fors there) We are so blessed to have the luxury and privilege of God being our Father and Lord. I can't even express that completely the way I should. Here is the problem with how I handle that statement. I am all good when things are working up to really showing God's glory, but usually when things hit a plateau is when I start relying on myself again and after a time I feel lost without Christ again. Then God puts me in a situation (can be rewarding or tragic either one) and I realize that I am feeling despondent and empty because I have done the bare minimum to follow and have relationship with him.
For instance and this is probably my biggest one: Children..... For years I prayed, fasted, sought God's blessing to have a child. I would have taken any child. God was my focus on this issue, but on other issues I set him on a shelf because in my puny thinking I wanted God to focus on what I wanted him to focus on and I could handle the rest right? WRONG! God is so much bigger than us, He can handle it all! He wants to handle it all! My problem though is I realized I needed to hand over the Kids to God and start focusing on the other things He wanted to work on me about. So I started working on what He wanted to sift and purify in me (STILL HAVE A WAYS TO GO) eventually God determined it was time to fulfill that prayer for a child. I was elated and over the moon and giving God the praise for Ethan, but I still was trying to pigeon hole my God and Savior of my life to a check system.... Need Savior, Check.....Need Husband, Check.... Need Kid, Check...... Need to grow deeper in God instead of focusing on what I've done wrong, CH uuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhh not there yet. I finally had everything I wanted to work out with having a kid and now that responsibility has cast a light on other areas in my life I need God to work on and my to listen about. It is amazing how having a child and wanting to raise them in the Lord and to love Him deeply is one of the most eye opening moments in your life. Wanting Ethan to see in me right behavior that glorifies God, teaches him truth, and makes impact on the way he lives his life is such a responsibility. Thankfully God is there to walk us through it. Praise Him for that! Praise Him also for showing how far I need to strengthen and learn in Him to be able to do that for my son. I have completely made some life altering decisions that I am not proud of or want exposed for discipline from God in just the short year that Ethan has been ours. However if I truly want relationship and to be walking in the truth of who God is then I need to lose my pride and belly up to the table for correction. It may stink with shame when I eat it but it will definitely have a sweet flavor when it is processed through and is gone from me. For that I seek God and I will rely on Him for my strength.
Well those have been my "interesting" deep thoughts for today.
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