Finding God in the midst of everything

I have been so overwhelmed lately at the impact God is having on my life. It is so amazing when you find yourself coming out of a valley that you strengthen even as you walk up that hill to the top. This has been probably my 18000th mountain top but it is nevertheless no less important than the first one I climbed and reached the top of. Okay a little more detail and less creative writing is probably in order. I mentioned in a previous entry of a desire being fulfilled that I had longed for -for it seemed forever (too many fors there) We are so blessed to have the luxury and privilege of God being our Father and Lord. I can't even express that completely the way I should. Here is the problem with how I handle that statement. I am all good when things are working up to really showing God's glory, but usually when things hit a plateau is when I start relying on myself again and after a time I feel lost without Christ again. Then God puts me in a situation (can be rewarding or tragic either one) and I realize that I am feeling despondent and empty because I have done the bare minimum to follow and have relationship with him.

For instance and this is probably my biggest one: Children..... For years I prayed, fasted, sought God's blessing to have a child. I would have taken any child. God was my focus on this issue, but on other issues I set him on a shelf because in my puny thinking I wanted God to focus on what I wanted him to focus on and I could handle the rest right? WRONG! God is so much bigger than us, He can handle it all! He wants to handle it all! My problem though is I realized I needed to hand over the Kids to God and start focusing on the other things He wanted to work on me about. So I started working on what He wanted to sift and purify in me (STILL HAVE A WAYS TO GO) eventually God determined it was time to fulfill that prayer for a child. I was elated and over the moon and giving God the praise for Ethan, but I still was trying to pigeon hole my God and Savior of my life to a check system.... Need Savior, Check.....Need Husband, Check.... Need Kid, Check...... Need to grow deeper in God instead of focusing on what I've done wrong, CH uuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhh not there yet. I finally had everything I wanted to work out with having a kid and now that responsibility has cast a light on other areas in my life I need God to work on and my to listen about. It is amazing how having a child and wanting to raise them in the Lord and to love Him deeply is one of the most eye opening moments in your life. Wanting Ethan to see in me right behavior that glorifies God, teaches him truth, and makes impact on the way he lives his life is such a responsibility. Thankfully God is there to walk us through it. Praise Him for that! Praise Him also for showing how far I need to strengthen and learn in Him to be able to do that for my son. I have completely made some life altering decisions that I am not proud of or want exposed for discipline from God in just the short year that Ethan has been ours. However if I truly want relationship and to be walking in the truth of who God is then I need to lose my pride and belly up to the table for correction. It may stink with shame when I eat it but it will definitely have a sweet flavor when it is processed through and is gone from me. For that I seek God and I will rely on Him for my strength.

Well those have been my "interesting" deep thoughts for today.

BLAH BLAH BLAH

Oh my goodness! I don't know where to start. Not much has transpired since the last time I wrote but I definitely feel the blahs coming on very heavy. I dread the upcoming week just because there will be no down time for us pretty much for the next 12 days. It is something that I can't just say well we are just going to say no because we can't. I know woe is me... not really but I would love to do the dramatic faint with my hand to my head and say "whatever are we to do!" Now wouldn't that be funny! Or at least in my head it would be. I tend to be at my limit right now and not just on things that are bugging or annoying me but the general everyday things. The I realize we are at another milestone time in Mark's deployment when we both get antsy because there is light on the horizon. I realize for those that haven't been seperated that it is a little hard to comprehend, although I am sure they really try to understand. I am not being sassy here at all. I just know from personal experience if you ain't been through it you just don't know....like I have never lost a leg or been working in an oil field, or harvesting wheat. Back to that horizon. I usually can divide our time seperated by 4 major developments. 1 1/2-2 months after he leaves I usually lose my marbles for a couple of weeks (this time we hit 3 months before that happened.) The next step is he is almost home for his leave but we are not quite there yet and could it come any faster....... (we are there now!) the third is having to go through the 1st step again because you have sent them back for the last half and it is like losing someone all over again. The fourth step is similar to the second but if you know this time is for good you really get antsy and lose your cool, so I usually hibernate the last 2 weeks prior to not offend anyone haphazardly.

So I am now in step 2 and antsy antsy antsy. I miss Mark so much! It has gotten better though because he now has his phone in his room and he can call a whole lot better. Apparently he finally can get on facebook and look at pics and videos of Ethan which is tremendous! YEAH! But he still isn't here.

Ethan and I are somwhat sick this morning but we are surviving. Mainly snotty noses and Ethan has what I call "Cold" coming out of his eyes. That goopy stuff that collects in your eyes when you are sick. I am really missing on not going to church this morning as I really enjoy services again for the first time in ages. Plus we will miss church next week because of being in Chicago. Hopefully we will attend with Julie and Jesper at their church. If not I will do what I am doing today....reading a bible ... What do you know about that!

My mind is also swirling with conversations that have not happened. This is one of the worst side affects I have to watch about Depression. What could be said or done! It's always worse in my head. So I am continuing to quote my scripture for that one: Don't let evil overcome you, but overcome evil with good! I don't think anything could sum it up any better! See God is helping me to use it because I started to write about what is bothering me and what is causing the thoughts/conversations. (And no I am not hearing little voices in my head! Just role playing conversations so I know what would be appropriate in how to respond to ugly statements and attitudes that I know are coming) I just have the same issue that has plagued me since I met Mark and no it isn't Mark haha! OVERCOME EVIL! In this instance the evil is my thoughts. See I almost went ahead and wrote it down.

ANYHOO>................ I love the new picture Mark posted for the facebook. He is grinning that awnry grin of his ever so slightly. He has been telling me the funniest things about people there in Iraq. He can definitely tell a good chuckler!

Well I guess I had best give this up and get to changing Ethan's drawers as I smell a tangy smell on the air. :)

Am I really interesting?

I got the funniest kick out of the title of what I named this blog page when I opened it this morning! When faced with stuff I tend to be a tad dramatic just for fun! Even I have to admit I am probably not that interesting except to maybe God, family and possibly a few friends! But anyway it is forever named that and it works for me because if nothing else it will probably give me a chuckle each time I open the page.

Well Today is promising to be busy but good. Ethan and I are sitting and answering phones (that are currently not ringing) at a friends business. It has been fun doing this as it gave us a break from the ordinary. After we leave here we are off to plan for the women's retreat for this fall for the BIC MIdwest Conference for Church. That will be fun because those ladies are a riot for laughing together!

I have made a big decision this week and hopefully and prayerfully I am committed to following through. I have decided for each obstacle that I encounter I am going to seek a scripture to memorize and quote when faced with that issue each time. Don't get me wrong I will follow through with finishing what ever has been started but I am going to do what some call 'Spiritual Battle' with my thoughts. I am tired of being led by my thoughts. Mark and I discussed it and he thinks it is a good idea for a way to face uncertain or negative situations. I am excited but scared at what this means in general but all the same know that if I allow God to lead this I will do so in His strength and not mine! I am really thankful for a friends blog that allowed me to finalize this idea. God works in mysterious ways and we both were amazed that what God had told her he also used for my life.

I guess that is all for now!

beginning the path to brain leakage

Okay so the title is a little dramatic! I tend to lean that way. I am creating this to have an outlet to my thoughts. I always loved to journal and am interested in through this process of continuing to journal. It has always been such a release to me to be able to speak my thoughts. If no one other than my husband sees this blog then that is okay. I pray to honor God through this blog. I must guard to not do anything on this site to take glory away from God. I am currently working on renewing my relationship with God. Let's see if I can actually sum that up in a short format.

After years of dreaming of a blessing that I greatly desired, God fulfilled that dream. Then I found myself realizing that God was somehow lost in the equation because everything changed so drastically. Don't get me wrong as I have found the most wonderful blessing in the fulfillment of that dream. I just seemed to forget to leave God in the picture, so after falling deep in self reliance I now am fighting the whirlpool but fortunately I am allowing God to do the guiding and rescuing. I feel stronger in His power than I have ever felt before and the interesting thing I am far from the end of the course.

Once again I am missing my Mark! He is once again off to defend the masses. I am so blessed to have him as a wonderful spouse. God was amazing in how he brought us and has kept us together. Mark desperately needs my and everyone prayers as he is in a country that is very much not interested in following God's will. He also is having problems with his back hurting him. I pray that God will heal him.

My little man is at the babysitters! We are so lucky to have our sitter. Not only is she a great sitter but a great friend and I am very thankful for her. Ethan is such a wonderful blessing for us! How did we become so blessed. Thank you Lord for your wonderful gift.

Mark, Ethan and I are looking forward to the month of April with personal exuberance! We will be reunited as a family. We will only have 15 days but oh my goodness we are planning a wonderful time of renewal for our family. Mark and I have been discussing having theme days. We will try to in a small way cram the other 350 days into the 15 we are allotted together this year. We are trying not to be jealous of the time we are giving up to family in that time period. We WANT to see family but at the same time we have such a small window for each other that it is hard to balance it all out. So we are planning for a balance and believe we have struck on an option that will benefit everyone. It will not be completely received with good tidings but it will be our solution. I look forward to our time together. I am already praying for smooth times that will be memorable and exciting.

I guess that is enough for now and I pray that I find the right words each time I visit here!

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