Once again I see new things

It is absolutely amazing how God will work in your life and you see the "fireworks" of the effects and then other times you see the gentle guiding hand that says "Oh yeah, look at what God has done in me now!" I had a real life experience in the latter this past Sunday. And before I continue in this post please note I will not use names to protect those I am praying for) So here goes the story:

All my life I have felt like I am the person you pull out off the shelf we you have no other recourse. Meaning I wasn't the first person someone thinks of when they want or need something done or to include. For the longest time this has had a major impact on my self esteem. I admit it fully I am a very sensitive person and now that I am willling to admit it I also must interject that with learning to admit I had to learn to differientiate between hurt and perception. Okay you needed to know that before I proceeded. So needless to say for years I was hurt horrible by people who were just going about their world and doing their daily business and I was not of high priority on their list and then there are the people who purposefully do something to be mean to cut you to the core. These latter people are the ones you have to really watch out for when you are a sensitive person. The previous ones are the ones you have to let go and Let GOD! So I experienced one of those quiet moments the other night that showed how God has been working on me when life confronts you with a hurtful person. The other night I had posted on FB just as I always do a need that consituted asking for prayer. It was very basic usual posting for me to mention something that had to do with God. I am not ashamed of God and I will not back down from letting my life be a respresentation for Him (More on how well I do this later in the post). I received a response from a former college friend that was shocking what was written (and boy howdy does satan know how to know you where it hurts the most) The former friend made comment to not only my being fat (BIG WHOOP I DON"T CARE!) but that I have a big mouth but what was most disturbing was the comment that he would pray if he knew a God existed. Granted he used obscenities and the post was erased very quickly (thanks Dad for bringing it to our attention that it was on there!) I had just hid his postings on the feed because he had posted an obscene picture that was very inappropriate and I did not want to see. However I had to make a quick judgement call on whether to answer him or just block him and pray for him. That was hard because apparently he was under conviction if he was singling me out because I spoke about God. It was very obvious he was trying to get me to argue about God. However I felt peace with my decision to block him but there is one thing that can't be blocked and that is prayer for him. So that is what I am going to do pray for him and ask you (if anyone reads this to pray for him also). So a few minutes later when Mark was gallantly standing up for me by shooting emails through cyberspace to this former friend I was hit ever so gently by the fact God has worked on me and just like that I wasn't hurt that this friend had done this but saddened rather. A time 10 years ago where this would of crushed me now it had the power to make me look outside myself to seek what is best for God's Kingdom.

Okay now for what I was referring to in representing God. OKAY I admit I have a habit that I am ashamed of and the more I try to change it the worse it seems to get. I cuss. That is all there is to it. I am desperately asking God to take that from me and create in me a new tongue that will seek to glorify God with each syllable it utters. This is one more thing that I seek to have God transform in me. I would appreciate your prayers on this. In order to not only seek God's glory in my writing but also in my actions.

I spent several weeks this summer having a battle with God over who was in control of me. I would like to think I have handed over every particle to God and am not picking it up again but I am finding that just because you do hand it over doesn't mean you won't be human. By continuing to seek God in everything you are truly seeking His Glory. That is my life's goal and I pray continually that my actions exemplify that. That time this summer is one of the hardest lowest points of my life but I can also say that I am so thankful God did not say "Enough" have your way because I am tired of dealing with you on this. PRAISE HIM!!!!! How do you give Him praise and thanksgiving enough for not saying "ENOUGH" to you! God has done and is continuing to do a wonderful work on me! I praise Him for the pain of having to hit the stones and rocks that I landed on to cut away flesh so that He could heal me.

One other thing that I am working on (Get ready Cindy I am admitting something that will make you say hallelujah) is riding the fence although not in the context of what my sister is referring to! It is my desire to be on fire to and for God! I say to because often we leave the relationship part out of the equation. But I am referring to mostly not being me- you know God made me the way I am and there is nothing God does that He hasn't done for a reason. He has made us in His image and He has gifted us with personalities and gifts. The important thing to remember is to use those personalities and gifts in our daily lives so that we honor Him in all we do. He knows we are human and we are going to mess up. For myself it is not hiding that I am a bold person who speaks her mind, but rather to do so in a loving manner. I am not always good at this because I let things build inside until they just errupt on who ever is the closest. I am also finding out a portion of the love God has for us by being His children by being a mother. I have NEVER experienced such love and ability to defend my child. I am so thankful that God instilled this in me but I also need to not necessarily temper it but use it in a way that when Ethan sees me defending him it is in a manner that not only teaches him how to have confrontation but also to glorify God in the process. We as Christians tend to want to see only the "loving" side of God in the new testament, but I feel that we also need to remember that God is a righteous God that is a jealous God for us! I am thankful for that and I pray I never lose the ability to respect and honor that part of God! Fear of who God is but also remember the love! That is one fence I definitely will still straddle because there is a balance there that must be maintained and respected.

Well I have extinquished my thoughts once again and hope I haven't bored anyone who may seek to read here! Please remember the friend that God will seek to open the paths in a mighty way that he will acknowledge and come to know God as his father and Christ as his savior! May God answer that prayer!

Blessings on this writing and may God reveal to me anything that did not give Him Glory! Kim

It definitely has been a long time since my last posting! So here goes.... God thankfully is much more faithful than I could ever be. He doesn't forget to communicate or not have time. He is there ALL THE TIME!!!!!!!! And speaking of time He always does things in His timing! I have waited for several things in my life several different times and it never ceases to amaze me how perfect the timing is when He works! I am praying about something right now that I would love to see happen right now but it may not be the right time in God's plan. Until then I am praying for wisdom and peace until I see that prayer answered even if it is not what I want.

Okay so for what I want. LESS STRESS!!!! My son to have a miracle and his eyes and ears be healed. But I am already seeing God's hand in that disability because like difficulties in my own life God uses those to create in us a stronger person who will be able to show God glory in the imperfection. Of course I think Ethan is perfect though! :) However I can see where if Ethan allows God to work through him he will be able to bring God great glory! I also recognize that it is my responsibility to seek God and try my best to seek His will for my life to set an example for Ethan and to show Ethan how to seek God. And then I want to be a smaller body frame again not because I am worried about my health but because I am sick to DEATH of people assuming I am unhealthy or unhappy with my size just because society dictates I should be smaller! I only gained this weight because I was so worried about what people thought! well truth is I still do worry about people but more about their souls but still have the occasional worry about their thoughts (IT"S JUST HUMAN!!!!!!!!) Well anyway I only have one other thing I want but that is truly one for only God to handle! He has been working on it and I thankfully can praise Him for holding off in making it finished and fixed! I trust Him to take care of it and I know that He is changing hearts and developing a love there that wasn't there before! His timing is just something I have to remind myself about constantly though! So leaving all those thoughts and desires in God's hands I will move on with my posting:

Do you ever get the feeling you are in the vortex of the tornado but standing still? That is how I feel right now. I feel the world whirling around me and am ready for the winds to still and the rain to go away. The only reason I am feeling still is God is holding me steady! WOW can't stress enough how thankful I am for that!

So it is really late (9:45) and I am exhausted and ready for sleep!!! Just a quick side note here....Take care!!!!