Once again I see new things

It is absolutely amazing how God will work in your life and you see the "fireworks" of the effects and then other times you see the gentle guiding hand that says "Oh yeah, look at what God has done in me now!" I had a real life experience in the latter this past Sunday. And before I continue in this post please note I will not use names to protect those I am praying for) So here goes the story:

All my life I have felt like I am the person you pull out off the shelf we you have no other recourse. Meaning I wasn't the first person someone thinks of when they want or need something done or to include. For the longest time this has had a major impact on my self esteem. I admit it fully I am a very sensitive person and now that I am willling to admit it I also must interject that with learning to admit I had to learn to differientiate between hurt and perception. Okay you needed to know that before I proceeded. So needless to say for years I was hurt horrible by people who were just going about their world and doing their daily business and I was not of high priority on their list and then there are the people who purposefully do something to be mean to cut you to the core. These latter people are the ones you have to really watch out for when you are a sensitive person. The previous ones are the ones you have to let go and Let GOD! So I experienced one of those quiet moments the other night that showed how God has been working on me when life confronts you with a hurtful person. The other night I had posted on FB just as I always do a need that consituted asking for prayer. It was very basic usual posting for me to mention something that had to do with God. I am not ashamed of God and I will not back down from letting my life be a respresentation for Him (More on how well I do this later in the post). I received a response from a former college friend that was shocking what was written (and boy howdy does satan know how to know you where it hurts the most) The former friend made comment to not only my being fat (BIG WHOOP I DON"T CARE!) but that I have a big mouth but what was most disturbing was the comment that he would pray if he knew a God existed. Granted he used obscenities and the post was erased very quickly (thanks Dad for bringing it to our attention that it was on there!) I had just hid his postings on the feed because he had posted an obscene picture that was very inappropriate and I did not want to see. However I had to make a quick judgement call on whether to answer him or just block him and pray for him. That was hard because apparently he was under conviction if he was singling me out because I spoke about God. It was very obvious he was trying to get me to argue about God. However I felt peace with my decision to block him but there is one thing that can't be blocked and that is prayer for him. So that is what I am going to do pray for him and ask you (if anyone reads this to pray for him also). So a few minutes later when Mark was gallantly standing up for me by shooting emails through cyberspace to this former friend I was hit ever so gently by the fact God has worked on me and just like that I wasn't hurt that this friend had done this but saddened rather. A time 10 years ago where this would of crushed me now it had the power to make me look outside myself to seek what is best for God's Kingdom.

Okay now for what I was referring to in representing God. OKAY I admit I have a habit that I am ashamed of and the more I try to change it the worse it seems to get. I cuss. That is all there is to it. I am desperately asking God to take that from me and create in me a new tongue that will seek to glorify God with each syllable it utters. This is one more thing that I seek to have God transform in me. I would appreciate your prayers on this. In order to not only seek God's glory in my writing but also in my actions.

I spent several weeks this summer having a battle with God over who was in control of me. I would like to think I have handed over every particle to God and am not picking it up again but I am finding that just because you do hand it over doesn't mean you won't be human. By continuing to seek God in everything you are truly seeking His Glory. That is my life's goal and I pray continually that my actions exemplify that. That time this summer is one of the hardest lowest points of my life but I can also say that I am so thankful God did not say "Enough" have your way because I am tired of dealing with you on this. PRAISE HIM!!!!! How do you give Him praise and thanksgiving enough for not saying "ENOUGH" to you! God has done and is continuing to do a wonderful work on me! I praise Him for the pain of having to hit the stones and rocks that I landed on to cut away flesh so that He could heal me.

One other thing that I am working on (Get ready Cindy I am admitting something that will make you say hallelujah) is riding the fence although not in the context of what my sister is referring to! It is my desire to be on fire to and for God! I say to because often we leave the relationship part out of the equation. But I am referring to mostly not being me- you know God made me the way I am and there is nothing God does that He hasn't done for a reason. He has made us in His image and He has gifted us with personalities and gifts. The important thing to remember is to use those personalities and gifts in our daily lives so that we honor Him in all we do. He knows we are human and we are going to mess up. For myself it is not hiding that I am a bold person who speaks her mind, but rather to do so in a loving manner. I am not always good at this because I let things build inside until they just errupt on who ever is the closest. I am also finding out a portion of the love God has for us by being His children by being a mother. I have NEVER experienced such love and ability to defend my child. I am so thankful that God instilled this in me but I also need to not necessarily temper it but use it in a way that when Ethan sees me defending him it is in a manner that not only teaches him how to have confrontation but also to glorify God in the process. We as Christians tend to want to see only the "loving" side of God in the new testament, but I feel that we also need to remember that God is a righteous God that is a jealous God for us! I am thankful for that and I pray I never lose the ability to respect and honor that part of God! Fear of who God is but also remember the love! That is one fence I definitely will still straddle because there is a balance there that must be maintained and respected.

Well I have extinquished my thoughts once again and hope I haven't bored anyone who may seek to read here! Please remember the friend that God will seek to open the paths in a mighty way that he will acknowledge and come to know God as his father and Christ as his savior! May God answer that prayer!

Blessings on this writing and may God reveal to me anything that did not give Him Glory! Kim

It definitely has been a long time since my last posting! So here goes.... God thankfully is much more faithful than I could ever be. He doesn't forget to communicate or not have time. He is there ALL THE TIME!!!!!!!! And speaking of time He always does things in His timing! I have waited for several things in my life several different times and it never ceases to amaze me how perfect the timing is when He works! I am praying about something right now that I would love to see happen right now but it may not be the right time in God's plan. Until then I am praying for wisdom and peace until I see that prayer answered even if it is not what I want.

Okay so for what I want. LESS STRESS!!!! My son to have a miracle and his eyes and ears be healed. But I am already seeing God's hand in that disability because like difficulties in my own life God uses those to create in us a stronger person who will be able to show God glory in the imperfection. Of course I think Ethan is perfect though! :) However I can see where if Ethan allows God to work through him he will be able to bring God great glory! I also recognize that it is my responsibility to seek God and try my best to seek His will for my life to set an example for Ethan and to show Ethan how to seek God. And then I want to be a smaller body frame again not because I am worried about my health but because I am sick to DEATH of people assuming I am unhealthy or unhappy with my size just because society dictates I should be smaller! I only gained this weight because I was so worried about what people thought! well truth is I still do worry about people but more about their souls but still have the occasional worry about their thoughts (IT"S JUST HUMAN!!!!!!!!) Well anyway I only have one other thing I want but that is truly one for only God to handle! He has been working on it and I thankfully can praise Him for holding off in making it finished and fixed! I trust Him to take care of it and I know that He is changing hearts and developing a love there that wasn't there before! His timing is just something I have to remind myself about constantly though! So leaving all those thoughts and desires in God's hands I will move on with my posting:

Do you ever get the feeling you are in the vortex of the tornado but standing still? That is how I feel right now. I feel the world whirling around me and am ready for the winds to still and the rain to go away. The only reason I am feeling still is God is holding me steady! WOW can't stress enough how thankful I am for that!

So it is really late (9:45) and I am exhausted and ready for sleep!!! Just a quick side note here....Take care!!!!

Time sure flies when you are stressed

WOW! that is the only way to begin this posting. It has been a long time since I have written and there is a lot I could share but in keeping with my original intent I want to keep glorifying God in all my postings. I feel like I was walking a fine line in the last couple. I don't know why I don't do this everyday (oh yeah a little one that takes up my time) but I so enjoy just laying thoughts on paper. Maybe it is time to try poetry or song lyrics again. Oh the ability to lay your heart open there. I was dreaming about singing last night. Here is the thing when I have an opportunity to sing I feel so alive like I am doing what God intended. I miss the ability to not have inhibitions to sing like I did when I was a kid. (or atleast 10 years ago) Lot of days didn't go past I wasn't belting a tune either in the shower or in church. I used to be a real regular on the stage at church events. But I have learned with time that God can use me better to blend than stand out. Not that I butcher something when I solo just that I enjoy the blending of voices in praise and hymn more than a single attempt of my own. but I digress from my original thoughts don't I.

Life seems to be getting into a routine again. I am up here by myself away from Family. A thought came to me the other day. Most people seek friends I in my quirky way tend to seek family. I have lots of friends that I can go to and do seek for guidance and a shoulder but the one thing that I truly have always desired is to have my family as friends. I know that most of my side is in that category, but I still long for that on Mark's side. I feel like I am still on that wrong side of the imaginary door knocking and asking to be let in but there is always that rubber band that pulls me back through the door opening when I manage to get the door open and walk through. Nothing is being done intentionally to keep me out it is just their personalities. I love them and am thankful for them. I am about to spend 2 weeks with both sides to which I am really excited to go down for but there is always that feeling of unfulfillment when I leave. I know that the world is not perfect or the people in it but we are all confirmed Christians and it is sad when that is not practiced toward our own family but I must interject I am as bad as others at times and have to seek forgiveness for those times myself when attitude rears its ugly head on my side.

The tears streak upon the post
falling down in precision.
"Hurry, Hurry, let me in!?"
comes the cry from deep within.

"I am here! Wait my child."
He stands on the road waiting.
Arms outstretched and wide
He holds comfort and love within them.

"I seek those who should allow me in."
I sob when I see His offer.
"But my child the only one to seek
is standing before you."

"Guide me past the hills and valleys
of my hurts and take me in.
Hold me close to keep me
from wandering back to them."

"My child I am here
through thick and thin.
My love is never ending.
Take my free gift."

"My heart sings with joy
and admission of my need of Him."
Praise God I have chosen the one who will
hold me through the storm, calm and everlasting.

---Kim Bilyeu

IT's all out there now!

Well life is now at critical issue mode. But through it I feel like God has stretched me once again to teach me some lessons on patience, love, truth, and how to live for Him. The past week has been nuts with comments about family stuff. We have now all laid our hearts and hurts out to look at examine, forgive, and forge on. Things that have been buried for years. It will take some time to heal and hopefully everything was received in the loving way it was intended. But we will continue on seeking God and loving in truth. Mark and I have decided that from now on and only with God's help when we have been hurt that we will immediately (as soon as possible) go to that person in love and share our concerns. Not accusatory or hateful but trying to reconnect in love.

The wait has begun and we carry on. One person so far has not indicated that they were seeing anything wrong with what they had done. Hopefully God will soften all our hearts to be better connected together not only as family but as sisters in Christ.

This is not a long post but I am exhausted from all the interaction. I pray that Mark finds peace before he heads back to Iraq. I still hurt and only God can fix that hurt and I am once again laying it down for him to take care of.

In Christ's way, Kim

My heart hurts right now!

This should be one of the most wonderful times for Mark and I. Unfortunately it has hit a big bump in the road. Mark and I are fine but extended family have brought to light several items that should have been dealt with years ago and now all of a sudden it is now time. Markhas been his usual wonderful self by standing by my side. Without going into ugly family issues let me say first before I go forward I am very blessed by my families and love them very deeply.

The issue boils down to that no one really knows me or tries to know me. They don't know my dreams, goals, ideals, frustrations and/or blessings unless they are directly affected by it.They just don't seem to care. I feel so lost in the crowd because of that and this is an ongoing thing for almost 20 years now.

When Mark and I first started dating he was encouraged to find someone else and not settle for the first girl he found. The night we got married his family insisted on a family photo without the new bride and continued to do the same thing for 14 years until new inlaws were part of the family and it couldn't be ignored anymore that there were new members of the family. I hurt and felt so rejected and unimportant everytime I see the pictures that were up of for years without the one member of the family not in them. They just didn't get it. If anyone could have felt less actually accepted I did.

There are all kinds of other reasons that I could list but I constantly ask God to forgive me for not forgeting the hurt. My heart really loves them in spite of not feeling wanted. They are beautiful people that just don't stop to think how it affects us! Because they hurt Mark more than me. I just ask that God give me the strength to once again find a well of love above what I already have for my family. I do love them.

God cleanse my heart!

Life in Perspective

God and I have been in constant conversation lately. A lot of emotions have been rattling around in my brain as new events and old issues have surfaced in the past few months. It amazes me that when God is trying to do the most work on you tht is when you feel the worst but only by your own making. I always want to resist the tweaking time God does. It frustrates me that I can't be a good little girl and say okay God I get it and will do! Instead I spend most of my time saying uh-huh not me the other person made me feel/say/do that! Which goes to show exactly why he is working on me so often. There are several things that have percipitated this thought today.

1. Reality: God has shown me once again that no matter how much I think I have everything under control He allows things to be that we don't understand or that will grow us or both. Ethan's hearing issues have made me realize that God once again has purpose for Ethan's loss of hearing. I pray that God will give us wisdom in how we handle teaching Ethan to adjust to this new phase.

2. Reconciliation: God is working on me to share love with everyone whether I feel it or not and to rely on Him even though I may have to find that love to share through Him.

3. Forgiveness: I read a book today that clearly defines (just like the Bible -but God needed to put a bull's eye between my eyes) how He has given forgiveness and He expects us to also show this to others. We may have to forgive multiple times because we pick it back up from te throne where we have laid it but we can continue to lay it back down. He will be there to hold our hand when we do it.

4. Joy: Yes not all I have conversed with God has been negative. I have heard God through multiple avenues this week and I am so thankful to apply this one. God wants us to be joyful. He created us for His joy and since we are made in his image we surely are made for joy! I am praying that I continually seek Joy from God and don't let the enemy steal it!!!

Until next time blessings!!

Lots of Happenings

Wow, it seems like forever since I have had a moment to write a thought down. I am really enjoying my blogging. It is nice to have an outlet to my thoughts.Lord knows I hardly shut my brain up.

Well even though we have been busy with a mass amount of trips and doctors appointmens and just general every day stuff. I still am amazed atthe amount of time and energy it takes to get the basics done. Now life is slowing down for just a few days but I am so looking forward to them. I just finished cleaning the bottom of the house and the upstairs is not that bad so feeling pretty good about the house. Now just to keep it that way . . . . . .

We saw God at work again this week with Ethan's ear surgry. I can already see him improving in sounds that he hears. Seeing him get giddy over the vaccum was quite funny but also amazing as it means there is change happening. The best though was when I whispered in his ear that I love him and he turned his head and smiled at me as if he understood and HEARD it all.

Well I am finding myself having to lean on God in a whole new way again. I am feeling like a tiny scared child as I thnk on what is transpiring where Mark is. I can't believe they are changing his location. But then again I should be aware the Army does nothing logically. I TRUST the Lord and I beg the Lord to show me huge grace when I am having trouble being trusting in Him and His Almighty ways.

I have little energy to finish this blog as I am exhausted once again. It has been an emotionally draining last couple of days. God is good all the time! :)

Finding God in the midst of everything

I have been so overwhelmed lately at the impact God is having on my life. It is so amazing when you find yourself coming out of a valley that you strengthen even as you walk up that hill to the top. This has been probably my 18000th mountain top but it is nevertheless no less important than the first one I climbed and reached the top of. Okay a little more detail and less creative writing is probably in order. I mentioned in a previous entry of a desire being fulfilled that I had longed for -for it seemed forever (too many fors there) We are so blessed to have the luxury and privilege of God being our Father and Lord. I can't even express that completely the way I should. Here is the problem with how I handle that statement. I am all good when things are working up to really showing God's glory, but usually when things hit a plateau is when I start relying on myself again and after a time I feel lost without Christ again. Then God puts me in a situation (can be rewarding or tragic either one) and I realize that I am feeling despondent and empty because I have done the bare minimum to follow and have relationship with him.

For instance and this is probably my biggest one: Children..... For years I prayed, fasted, sought God's blessing to have a child. I would have taken any child. God was my focus on this issue, but on other issues I set him on a shelf because in my puny thinking I wanted God to focus on what I wanted him to focus on and I could handle the rest right? WRONG! God is so much bigger than us, He can handle it all! He wants to handle it all! My problem though is I realized I needed to hand over the Kids to God and start focusing on the other things He wanted to work on me about. So I started working on what He wanted to sift and purify in me (STILL HAVE A WAYS TO GO) eventually God determined it was time to fulfill that prayer for a child. I was elated and over the moon and giving God the praise for Ethan, but I still was trying to pigeon hole my God and Savior of my life to a check system.... Need Savior, Check.....Need Husband, Check.... Need Kid, Check...... Need to grow deeper in God instead of focusing on what I've done wrong, CH uuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhh not there yet. I finally had everything I wanted to work out with having a kid and now that responsibility has cast a light on other areas in my life I need God to work on and my to listen about. It is amazing how having a child and wanting to raise them in the Lord and to love Him deeply is one of the most eye opening moments in your life. Wanting Ethan to see in me right behavior that glorifies God, teaches him truth, and makes impact on the way he lives his life is such a responsibility. Thankfully God is there to walk us through it. Praise Him for that! Praise Him also for showing how far I need to strengthen and learn in Him to be able to do that for my son. I have completely made some life altering decisions that I am not proud of or want exposed for discipline from God in just the short year that Ethan has been ours. However if I truly want relationship and to be walking in the truth of who God is then I need to lose my pride and belly up to the table for correction. It may stink with shame when I eat it but it will definitely have a sweet flavor when it is processed through and is gone from me. For that I seek God and I will rely on Him for my strength.

Well those have been my "interesting" deep thoughts for today.

BLAH BLAH BLAH

Oh my goodness! I don't know where to start. Not much has transpired since the last time I wrote but I definitely feel the blahs coming on very heavy. I dread the upcoming week just because there will be no down time for us pretty much for the next 12 days. It is something that I can't just say well we are just going to say no because we can't. I know woe is me... not really but I would love to do the dramatic faint with my hand to my head and say "whatever are we to do!" Now wouldn't that be funny! Or at least in my head it would be. I tend to be at my limit right now and not just on things that are bugging or annoying me but the general everyday things. The I realize we are at another milestone time in Mark's deployment when we both get antsy because there is light on the horizon. I realize for those that haven't been seperated that it is a little hard to comprehend, although I am sure they really try to understand. I am not being sassy here at all. I just know from personal experience if you ain't been through it you just don't know....like I have never lost a leg or been working in an oil field, or harvesting wheat. Back to that horizon. I usually can divide our time seperated by 4 major developments. 1 1/2-2 months after he leaves I usually lose my marbles for a couple of weeks (this time we hit 3 months before that happened.) The next step is he is almost home for his leave but we are not quite there yet and could it come any faster....... (we are there now!) the third is having to go through the 1st step again because you have sent them back for the last half and it is like losing someone all over again. The fourth step is similar to the second but if you know this time is for good you really get antsy and lose your cool, so I usually hibernate the last 2 weeks prior to not offend anyone haphazardly.

So I am now in step 2 and antsy antsy antsy. I miss Mark so much! It has gotten better though because he now has his phone in his room and he can call a whole lot better. Apparently he finally can get on facebook and look at pics and videos of Ethan which is tremendous! YEAH! But he still isn't here.

Ethan and I are somwhat sick this morning but we are surviving. Mainly snotty noses and Ethan has what I call "Cold" coming out of his eyes. That goopy stuff that collects in your eyes when you are sick. I am really missing on not going to church this morning as I really enjoy services again for the first time in ages. Plus we will miss church next week because of being in Chicago. Hopefully we will attend with Julie and Jesper at their church. If not I will do what I am doing today....reading a bible ... What do you know about that!

My mind is also swirling with conversations that have not happened. This is one of the worst side affects I have to watch about Depression. What could be said or done! It's always worse in my head. So I am continuing to quote my scripture for that one: Don't let evil overcome you, but overcome evil with good! I don't think anything could sum it up any better! See God is helping me to use it because I started to write about what is bothering me and what is causing the thoughts/conversations. (And no I am not hearing little voices in my head! Just role playing conversations so I know what would be appropriate in how to respond to ugly statements and attitudes that I know are coming) I just have the same issue that has plagued me since I met Mark and no it isn't Mark haha! OVERCOME EVIL! In this instance the evil is my thoughts. See I almost went ahead and wrote it down.

ANYHOO>................ I love the new picture Mark posted for the facebook. He is grinning that awnry grin of his ever so slightly. He has been telling me the funniest things about people there in Iraq. He can definitely tell a good chuckler!

Well I guess I had best give this up and get to changing Ethan's drawers as I smell a tangy smell on the air. :)

Am I really interesting?

I got the funniest kick out of the title of what I named this blog page when I opened it this morning! When faced with stuff I tend to be a tad dramatic just for fun! Even I have to admit I am probably not that interesting except to maybe God, family and possibly a few friends! But anyway it is forever named that and it works for me because if nothing else it will probably give me a chuckle each time I open the page.

Well Today is promising to be busy but good. Ethan and I are sitting and answering phones (that are currently not ringing) at a friends business. It has been fun doing this as it gave us a break from the ordinary. After we leave here we are off to plan for the women's retreat for this fall for the BIC MIdwest Conference for Church. That will be fun because those ladies are a riot for laughing together!

I have made a big decision this week and hopefully and prayerfully I am committed to following through. I have decided for each obstacle that I encounter I am going to seek a scripture to memorize and quote when faced with that issue each time. Don't get me wrong I will follow through with finishing what ever has been started but I am going to do what some call 'Spiritual Battle' with my thoughts. I am tired of being led by my thoughts. Mark and I discussed it and he thinks it is a good idea for a way to face uncertain or negative situations. I am excited but scared at what this means in general but all the same know that if I allow God to lead this I will do so in His strength and not mine! I am really thankful for a friends blog that allowed me to finalize this idea. God works in mysterious ways and we both were amazed that what God had told her he also used for my life.

I guess that is all for now!

beginning the path to brain leakage

Okay so the title is a little dramatic! I tend to lean that way. I am creating this to have an outlet to my thoughts. I always loved to journal and am interested in through this process of continuing to journal. It has always been such a release to me to be able to speak my thoughts. If no one other than my husband sees this blog then that is okay. I pray to honor God through this blog. I must guard to not do anything on this site to take glory away from God. I am currently working on renewing my relationship with God. Let's see if I can actually sum that up in a short format.

After years of dreaming of a blessing that I greatly desired, God fulfilled that dream. Then I found myself realizing that God was somehow lost in the equation because everything changed so drastically. Don't get me wrong as I have found the most wonderful blessing in the fulfillment of that dream. I just seemed to forget to leave God in the picture, so after falling deep in self reliance I now am fighting the whirlpool but fortunately I am allowing God to do the guiding and rescuing. I feel stronger in His power than I have ever felt before and the interesting thing I am far from the end of the course.

Once again I am missing my Mark! He is once again off to defend the masses. I am so blessed to have him as a wonderful spouse. God was amazing in how he brought us and has kept us together. Mark desperately needs my and everyone prayers as he is in a country that is very much not interested in following God's will. He also is having problems with his back hurting him. I pray that God will heal him.

My little man is at the babysitters! We are so lucky to have our sitter. Not only is she a great sitter but a great friend and I am very thankful for her. Ethan is such a wonderful blessing for us! How did we become so blessed. Thank you Lord for your wonderful gift.

Mark, Ethan and I are looking forward to the month of April with personal exuberance! We will be reunited as a family. We will only have 15 days but oh my goodness we are planning a wonderful time of renewal for our family. Mark and I have been discussing having theme days. We will try to in a small way cram the other 350 days into the 15 we are allotted together this year. We are trying not to be jealous of the time we are giving up to family in that time period. We WANT to see family but at the same time we have such a small window for each other that it is hard to balance it all out. So we are planning for a balance and believe we have struck on an option that will benefit everyone. It will not be completely received with good tidings but it will be our solution. I look forward to our time together. I am already praying for smooth times that will be memorable and exciting.

I guess that is enough for now and I pray that I find the right words each time I visit here!

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