It has been a while but once again I have all these thoughts rattling around in my head and I just want to be careful what I actually put on paper because if God doesn't get the glory then I am not seeking Him in all that I do. Well today I want to talk about real emotions as it is what has been on my mind lately. It amazes me how people get so upset when someone doesn't do something they think they should or react to something how they would react but then again I am the worlds worst at this very thing. Everyone should see every event in life through a thin veil of tears and a stoic face....yeah right. Thankfully God sees this whole topic differently and made each person in His image but granted us all a wonderful personality that is all uniquely ours.
For instance I am not a toucher/hugger/kisser kinda of person. There is reason why this is so and we will leave it at that. However I have learned to curb my reactions to this for instance just yesterday I was in a restaurant, La Fiesta, and curbed the urge to gut punch the waiter who rubbed my shoulder for an inappropriate amount of time-He is one lucky goober! Usually I would have flipped but instead I kept doing my sudoku puzzle and ignored him and hopefully he took the hint not wanted! Now my sister on the other hand is a kisser-YUCK! She knows this drives me crazy and in true fashion proceeds to kiss me more! But I am getting better at dealing with it and will hopefully eventually not want to go scrub my face afterwards soon! It has nothing to do with her but my personality makes me uncomfortable with that! Even from little kids I don't know why just so! Or how about the over the top personality of my friend-yeah like I am going to actually name a name- you know who you are after I describe....This person is almost comical in every action they give/do! They know that this is what they are doing and they have the personality to just be! Which is probably why I admire them so. I am always afraid I will offend or it not be proper.
My personality, my personality oh my what a personality....just might be feeling that way because there are multiples...just kidding for those saying "I TOLD YOU THAT WAS THE CASE!" No I waver which is one of my worst traits and something I have been working on. I can be bubbly one time and depressed the next and so on and so on. It is a bad situation but the more I am getting to actually know me and who I am and what I stand for the more I am evening out. For instance one of the things I have conquered in my brain is this: For years as a child I was the town crier and not in news but in tears. Say boo or hello and both produced tears. I was extremely sensitive as a kid and still am for that matter. But AFTER YEARS of people telling me to quit crying I have realized that those people don't know what they are talking about and that it is okay to cry - God created those tears and HE CREATED the urge to cry. He wants emotion or He wouldn't have created it. I have come to the conclusion after years after pondering it when people get upset that you are emotional it is because they can't handle emotion and that is why they don't want to see it out of you. Well sorry people it is coming whether I want it to or not so get ready!
But what do tears have to do with joy...well for one being able to express myself allows me great human joy but being able to be completely open and honest with God gives me great spiritual joy. Which is the joy I am actually trying to get to talking about today. For the past few months almost a little over a year I have been searching for where God would have me be but at the same time dreading where He was taking me because I am far enough in my spiritual journey to know there is always new levels of me He wants to bring out which sometimes requires some discipline to get there. One other thing about me is I HATE DISCIPLINE! But at the same time the quandry of the situation is so ironic because I realize that I ALWAYS like the other side of where God wants to put me so why do I fight it so much! My personality and God knows this about me and still wants to work on me! WOW isn't that cool He gets me and still wants to be around me. He is one of the few! Oh I mean how many people even your really good friends who can say they will stick through EVERYTHING if they knew EVERYTHING about you...just stop and think on that before anyone gets offended! PLEASE! May God be praised for loving me in spite of my goofy and sinful nature!
Well I have alluded to the journey God has been taking me on for several blogs now and looking back over the past year plus I see a lot of growth and discipline and love and now am seeing the true unabashed joy of being His child. Now I believe we are working on reaching out now that He has me to a new level and that is soooooooooooooo not my comfort zone at least not when you get knee deep into someone's needs. I have no problem being there for the surface needs...I am a fix it girl after all - yes we are working on that also! but it is time where God wants me to get out of my selfish shell and start working at relationships from a deeper level...and that means all the stuff that goes with it including loving inspite of difficulties, digging deeper into supporting, looking for ways to open people up to God, and scariest of all opening myself up to hurt because to love is to take a chance. But that is where I think the deep abiding joy that God grants us from Him comes into the picture. He gifts us with joy that surpasses all other hurts-oh we still will hurt but we will see the bigger picture of what we are really here for-God's glory!
Well that was a really heavy thought process and I probably don't have it all right but then that is why God is still working on me.
Next topic will probably be anger but I am too tired to open that can of worms today! But that is also something God has been showing me is it is okay to be angry....what another emotion!
Well till later dudes! (Man that dates me!)
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Monday, October 26, 2009
Once again I see new things
It is absolutely amazing how God will work in your life and you see the "fireworks" of the effects and then other times you see the gentle guiding hand that says "Oh yeah, look at what God has done in me now!" I had a real life experience in the latter this past Sunday. And before I continue in this post please note I will not use names to protect those I am praying for) So here goes the story:
All my life I have felt like I am the person you pull out off the shelf we you have no other recourse. Meaning I wasn't the first person someone thinks of when they want or need something done or to include. For the longest time this has had a major impact on my self esteem. I admit it fully I am a very sensitive person and now that I am willling to admit it I also must interject that with learning to admit I had to learn to differientiate between hurt and perception. Okay you needed to know that before I proceeded. So needless to say for years I was hurt horrible by people who were just going about their world and doing their daily business and I was not of high priority on their list and then there are the people who purposefully do something to be mean to cut you to the core. These latter people are the ones you have to really watch out for when you are a sensitive person. The previous ones are the ones you have to let go and Let GOD! So I experienced one of those quiet moments the other night that showed how God has been working on me when life confronts you with a hurtful person. The other night I had posted on FB just as I always do a need that consituted asking for prayer. It was very basic usual posting for me to mention something that had to do with God. I am not ashamed of God and I will not back down from letting my life be a respresentation for Him (More on how well I do this later in the post). I received a response from a former college friend that was shocking what was written (and boy howdy does satan know how to know you where it hurts the most) The former friend made comment to not only my being fat (BIG WHOOP I DON"T CARE!) but that I have a big mouth but what was most disturbing was the comment that he would pray if he knew a God existed. Granted he used obscenities and the post was erased very quickly (thanks Dad for bringing it to our attention that it was on there!) I had just hid his postings on the feed because he had posted an obscene picture that was very inappropriate and I did not want to see. However I had to make a quick judgement call on whether to answer him or just block him and pray for him. That was hard because apparently he was under conviction if he was singling me out because I spoke about God. It was very obvious he was trying to get me to argue about God. However I felt peace with my decision to block him but there is one thing that can't be blocked and that is prayer for him. So that is what I am going to do pray for him and ask you (if anyone reads this to pray for him also). So a few minutes later when Mark was gallantly standing up for me by shooting emails through cyberspace to this former friend I was hit ever so gently by the fact God has worked on me and just like that I wasn't hurt that this friend had done this but saddened rather. A time 10 years ago where this would of crushed me now it had the power to make me look outside myself to seek what is best for God's Kingdom.
Okay now for what I was referring to in representing God. OKAY I admit I have a habit that I am ashamed of and the more I try to change it the worse it seems to get. I cuss. That is all there is to it. I am desperately asking God to take that from me and create in me a new tongue that will seek to glorify God with each syllable it utters. This is one more thing that I seek to have God transform in me. I would appreciate your prayers on this. In order to not only seek God's glory in my writing but also in my actions.
I spent several weeks this summer having a battle with God over who was in control of me. I would like to think I have handed over every particle to God and am not picking it up again but I am finding that just because you do hand it over doesn't mean you won't be human. By continuing to seek God in everything you are truly seeking His Glory. That is my life's goal and I pray continually that my actions exemplify that. That time this summer is one of the hardest lowest points of my life but I can also say that I am so thankful God did not say "Enough" have your way because I am tired of dealing with you on this. PRAISE HIM!!!!! How do you give Him praise and thanksgiving enough for not saying "ENOUGH" to you! God has done and is continuing to do a wonderful work on me! I praise Him for the pain of having to hit the stones and rocks that I landed on to cut away flesh so that He could heal me.
One other thing that I am working on (Get ready Cindy I am admitting something that will make you say hallelujah) is riding the fence although not in the context of what my sister is referring to! It is my desire to be on fire to and for God! I say to because often we leave the relationship part out of the equation. But I am referring to mostly not being me- you know God made me the way I am and there is nothing God does that He hasn't done for a reason. He has made us in His image and He has gifted us with personalities and gifts. The important thing to remember is to use those personalities and gifts in our daily lives so that we honor Him in all we do. He knows we are human and we are going to mess up. For myself it is not hiding that I am a bold person who speaks her mind, but rather to do so in a loving manner. I am not always good at this because I let things build inside until they just errupt on who ever is the closest. I am also finding out a portion of the love God has for us by being His children by being a mother. I have NEVER experienced such love and ability to defend my child. I am so thankful that God instilled this in me but I also need to not necessarily temper it but use it in a way that when Ethan sees me defending him it is in a manner that not only teaches him how to have confrontation but also to glorify God in the process. We as Christians tend to want to see only the "loving" side of God in the new testament, but I feel that we also need to remember that God is a righteous God that is a jealous God for us! I am thankful for that and I pray I never lose the ability to respect and honor that part of God! Fear of who God is but also remember the love! That is one fence I definitely will still straddle because there is a balance there that must be maintained and respected.
Well I have extinquished my thoughts once again and hope I haven't bored anyone who may seek to read here! Please remember the friend that God will seek to open the paths in a mighty way that he will acknowledge and come to know God as his father and Christ as his savior! May God answer that prayer!
Blessings on this writing and may God reveal to me anything that did not give Him Glory! Kim
All my life I have felt like I am the person you pull out off the shelf we you have no other recourse. Meaning I wasn't the first person someone thinks of when they want or need something done or to include. For the longest time this has had a major impact on my self esteem. I admit it fully I am a very sensitive person and now that I am willling to admit it I also must interject that with learning to admit I had to learn to differientiate between hurt and perception. Okay you needed to know that before I proceeded. So needless to say for years I was hurt horrible by people who were just going about their world and doing their daily business and I was not of high priority on their list and then there are the people who purposefully do something to be mean to cut you to the core. These latter people are the ones you have to really watch out for when you are a sensitive person. The previous ones are the ones you have to let go and Let GOD! So I experienced one of those quiet moments the other night that showed how God has been working on me when life confronts you with a hurtful person. The other night I had posted on FB just as I always do a need that consituted asking for prayer. It was very basic usual posting for me to mention something that had to do with God. I am not ashamed of God and I will not back down from letting my life be a respresentation for Him (More on how well I do this later in the post). I received a response from a former college friend that was shocking what was written (and boy howdy does satan know how to know you where it hurts the most) The former friend made comment to not only my being fat (BIG WHOOP I DON"T CARE!) but that I have a big mouth but what was most disturbing was the comment that he would pray if he knew a God existed. Granted he used obscenities and the post was erased very quickly (thanks Dad for bringing it to our attention that it was on there!) I had just hid his postings on the feed because he had posted an obscene picture that was very inappropriate and I did not want to see. However I had to make a quick judgement call on whether to answer him or just block him and pray for him. That was hard because apparently he was under conviction if he was singling me out because I spoke about God. It was very obvious he was trying to get me to argue about God. However I felt peace with my decision to block him but there is one thing that can't be blocked and that is prayer for him. So that is what I am going to do pray for him and ask you (if anyone reads this to pray for him also). So a few minutes later when Mark was gallantly standing up for me by shooting emails through cyberspace to this former friend I was hit ever so gently by the fact God has worked on me and just like that I wasn't hurt that this friend had done this but saddened rather. A time 10 years ago where this would of crushed me now it had the power to make me look outside myself to seek what is best for God's Kingdom.
Okay now for what I was referring to in representing God. OKAY I admit I have a habit that I am ashamed of and the more I try to change it the worse it seems to get. I cuss. That is all there is to it. I am desperately asking God to take that from me and create in me a new tongue that will seek to glorify God with each syllable it utters. This is one more thing that I seek to have God transform in me. I would appreciate your prayers on this. In order to not only seek God's glory in my writing but also in my actions.
I spent several weeks this summer having a battle with God over who was in control of me. I would like to think I have handed over every particle to God and am not picking it up again but I am finding that just because you do hand it over doesn't mean you won't be human. By continuing to seek God in everything you are truly seeking His Glory. That is my life's goal and I pray continually that my actions exemplify that. That time this summer is one of the hardest lowest points of my life but I can also say that I am so thankful God did not say "Enough" have your way because I am tired of dealing with you on this. PRAISE HIM!!!!! How do you give Him praise and thanksgiving enough for not saying "ENOUGH" to you! God has done and is continuing to do a wonderful work on me! I praise Him for the pain of having to hit the stones and rocks that I landed on to cut away flesh so that He could heal me.
One other thing that I am working on (Get ready Cindy I am admitting something that will make you say hallelujah) is riding the fence although not in the context of what my sister is referring to! It is my desire to be on fire to and for God! I say to because often we leave the relationship part out of the equation. But I am referring to mostly not being me- you know God made me the way I am and there is nothing God does that He hasn't done for a reason. He has made us in His image and He has gifted us with personalities and gifts. The important thing to remember is to use those personalities and gifts in our daily lives so that we honor Him in all we do. He knows we are human and we are going to mess up. For myself it is not hiding that I am a bold person who speaks her mind, but rather to do so in a loving manner. I am not always good at this because I let things build inside until they just errupt on who ever is the closest. I am also finding out a portion of the love God has for us by being His children by being a mother. I have NEVER experienced such love and ability to defend my child. I am so thankful that God instilled this in me but I also need to not necessarily temper it but use it in a way that when Ethan sees me defending him it is in a manner that not only teaches him how to have confrontation but also to glorify God in the process. We as Christians tend to want to see only the "loving" side of God in the new testament, but I feel that we also need to remember that God is a righteous God that is a jealous God for us! I am thankful for that and I pray I never lose the ability to respect and honor that part of God! Fear of who God is but also remember the love! That is one fence I definitely will still straddle because there is a balance there that must be maintained and respected.
Well I have extinquished my thoughts once again and hope I haven't bored anyone who may seek to read here! Please remember the friend that God will seek to open the paths in a mighty way that he will acknowledge and come to know God as his father and Christ as his savior! May God answer that prayer!
Blessings on this writing and may God reveal to me anything that did not give Him Glory! Kim
Thursday, October 22, 2009
It definitely has been a long time since my last posting! So here goes.... God thankfully is much more faithful than I could ever be. He doesn't forget to communicate or not have time. He is there ALL THE TIME!!!!!!!! And speaking of time He always does things in His timing! I have waited for several things in my life several different times and it never ceases to amaze me how perfect the timing is when He works! I am praying about something right now that I would love to see happen right now but it may not be the right time in God's plan. Until then I am praying for wisdom and peace until I see that prayer answered even if it is not what I want.
Okay so for what I want. LESS STRESS!!!! My son to have a miracle and his eyes and ears be healed. But I am already seeing God's hand in that disability because like difficulties in my own life God uses those to create in us a stronger person who will be able to show God glory in the imperfection. Of course I think Ethan is perfect though! :) However I can see where if Ethan allows God to work through him he will be able to bring God great glory! I also recognize that it is my responsibility to seek God and try my best to seek His will for my life to set an example for Ethan and to show Ethan how to seek God. And then I want to be a smaller body frame again not because I am worried about my health but because I am sick to DEATH of people assuming I am unhealthy or unhappy with my size just because society dictates I should be smaller! I only gained this weight because I was so worried about what people thought! well truth is I still do worry about people but more about their souls but still have the occasional worry about their thoughts (IT"S JUST HUMAN!!!!!!!!) Well anyway I only have one other thing I want but that is truly one for only God to handle! He has been working on it and I thankfully can praise Him for holding off in making it finished and fixed! I trust Him to take care of it and I know that He is changing hearts and developing a love there that wasn't there before! His timing is just something I have to remind myself about constantly though! So leaving all those thoughts and desires in God's hands I will move on with my posting:
Do you ever get the feeling you are in the vortex of the tornado but standing still? That is how I feel right now. I feel the world whirling around me and am ready for the winds to still and the rain to go away. The only reason I am feeling still is God is holding me steady! WOW can't stress enough how thankful I am for that!
So it is really late (9:45) and I am exhausted and ready for sleep!!! Just a quick side note here....Take care!!!!
Okay so for what I want. LESS STRESS!!!! My son to have a miracle and his eyes and ears be healed. But I am already seeing God's hand in that disability because like difficulties in my own life God uses those to create in us a stronger person who will be able to show God glory in the imperfection. Of course I think Ethan is perfect though! :) However I can see where if Ethan allows God to work through him he will be able to bring God great glory! I also recognize that it is my responsibility to seek God and try my best to seek His will for my life to set an example for Ethan and to show Ethan how to seek God. And then I want to be a smaller body frame again not because I am worried about my health but because I am sick to DEATH of people assuming I am unhealthy or unhappy with my size just because society dictates I should be smaller! I only gained this weight because I was so worried about what people thought! well truth is I still do worry about people but more about their souls but still have the occasional worry about their thoughts (IT"S JUST HUMAN!!!!!!!!) Well anyway I only have one other thing I want but that is truly one for only God to handle! He has been working on it and I thankfully can praise Him for holding off in making it finished and fixed! I trust Him to take care of it and I know that He is changing hearts and developing a love there that wasn't there before! His timing is just something I have to remind myself about constantly though! So leaving all those thoughts and desires in God's hands I will move on with my posting:
Do you ever get the feeling you are in the vortex of the tornado but standing still? That is how I feel right now. I feel the world whirling around me and am ready for the winds to still and the rain to go away. The only reason I am feeling still is God is holding me steady! WOW can't stress enough how thankful I am for that!
So it is really late (9:45) and I am exhausted and ready for sleep!!! Just a quick side note here....Take care!!!!
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Time sure flies when you are stressed
WOW! that is the only way to begin this posting. It has been a long time since I have written and there is a lot I could share but in keeping with my original intent I want to keep glorifying God in all my postings. I feel like I was walking a fine line in the last couple. I don't know why I don't do this everyday (oh yeah a little one that takes up my time) but I so enjoy just laying thoughts on paper. Maybe it is time to try poetry or song lyrics again. Oh the ability to lay your heart open there. I was dreaming about singing last night. Here is the thing when I have an opportunity to sing I feel so alive like I am doing what God intended. I miss the ability to not have inhibitions to sing like I did when I was a kid. (or atleast 10 years ago) Lot of days didn't go past I wasn't belting a tune either in the shower or in church. I used to be a real regular on the stage at church events. But I have learned with time that God can use me better to blend than stand out. Not that I butcher something when I solo just that I enjoy the blending of voices in praise and hymn more than a single attempt of my own. but I digress from my original thoughts don't I.
Life seems to be getting into a routine again. I am up here by myself away from Family. A thought came to me the other day. Most people seek friends I in my quirky way tend to seek family. I have lots of friends that I can go to and do seek for guidance and a shoulder but the one thing that I truly have always desired is to have my family as friends. I know that most of my side is in that category, but I still long for that on Mark's side. I feel like I am still on that wrong side of the imaginary door knocking and asking to be let in but there is always that rubber band that pulls me back through the door opening when I manage to get the door open and walk through. Nothing is being done intentionally to keep me out it is just their personalities. I love them and am thankful for them. I am about to spend 2 weeks with both sides to which I am really excited to go down for but there is always that feeling of unfulfillment when I leave. I know that the world is not perfect or the people in it but we are all confirmed Christians and it is sad when that is not practiced toward our own family but I must interject I am as bad as others at times and have to seek forgiveness for those times myself when attitude rears its ugly head on my side.
The tears streak upon the post
falling down in precision.
"Hurry, Hurry, let me in!?"
comes the cry from deep within.
"I am here! Wait my child."
He stands on the road waiting.
Arms outstretched and wide
He holds comfort and love within them.
"I seek those who should allow me in."
I sob when I see His offer.
"But my child the only one to seek
is standing before you."
"Guide me past the hills and valleys
of my hurts and take me in.
Hold me close to keep me
from wandering back to them."
"My child I am here
through thick and thin.
My love is never ending.
Take my free gift."
"My heart sings with joy
and admission of my need of Him."
Praise God I have chosen the one who will
hold me through the storm, calm and everlasting.
---Kim Bilyeu
Life seems to be getting into a routine again. I am up here by myself away from Family. A thought came to me the other day. Most people seek friends I in my quirky way tend to seek family. I have lots of friends that I can go to and do seek for guidance and a shoulder but the one thing that I truly have always desired is to have my family as friends. I know that most of my side is in that category, but I still long for that on Mark's side. I feel like I am still on that wrong side of the imaginary door knocking and asking to be let in but there is always that rubber band that pulls me back through the door opening when I manage to get the door open and walk through. Nothing is being done intentionally to keep me out it is just their personalities. I love them and am thankful for them. I am about to spend 2 weeks with both sides to which I am really excited to go down for but there is always that feeling of unfulfillment when I leave. I know that the world is not perfect or the people in it but we are all confirmed Christians and it is sad when that is not practiced toward our own family but I must interject I am as bad as others at times and have to seek forgiveness for those times myself when attitude rears its ugly head on my side.
The tears streak upon the post
falling down in precision.
"Hurry, Hurry, let me in!?"
comes the cry from deep within.
"I am here! Wait my child."
He stands on the road waiting.
Arms outstretched and wide
He holds comfort and love within them.
"I seek those who should allow me in."
I sob when I see His offer.
"But my child the only one to seek
is standing before you."
"Guide me past the hills and valleys
of my hurts and take me in.
Hold me close to keep me
from wandering back to them."
"My child I am here
through thick and thin.
My love is never ending.
Take my free gift."
"My heart sings with joy
and admission of my need of Him."
Praise God I have chosen the one who will
hold me through the storm, calm and everlasting.
---Kim Bilyeu
Thursday, May 7, 2009
IT's all out there now!
Well life is now at critical issue mode. But through it I feel like God has stretched me once again to teach me some lessons on patience, love, truth, and how to live for Him. The past week has been nuts with comments about family stuff. We have now all laid our hearts and hurts out to look at examine, forgive, and forge on. Things that have been buried for years. It will take some time to heal and hopefully everything was received in the loving way it was intended. But we will continue on seeking God and loving in truth. Mark and I have decided that from now on and only with God's help when we have been hurt that we will immediately (as soon as possible) go to that person in love and share our concerns. Not accusatory or hateful but trying to reconnect in love.
The wait has begun and we carry on. One person so far has not indicated that they were seeing anything wrong with what they had done. Hopefully God will soften all our hearts to be better connected together not only as family but as sisters in Christ.
This is not a long post but I am exhausted from all the interaction. I pray that Mark finds peace before he heads back to Iraq. I still hurt and only God can fix that hurt and I am once again laying it down for him to take care of.
In Christ's way, Kim
The wait has begun and we carry on. One person so far has not indicated that they were seeing anything wrong with what they had done. Hopefully God will soften all our hearts to be better connected together not only as family but as sisters in Christ.
This is not a long post but I am exhausted from all the interaction. I pray that Mark finds peace before he heads back to Iraq. I still hurt and only God can fix that hurt and I am once again laying it down for him to take care of.
In Christ's way, Kim
Sunday, May 3, 2009
My heart hurts right now!
This should be one of the most wonderful times for Mark and I. Unfortunately it has hit a big bump in the road. Mark and I are fine but extended family have brought to light several items that should have been dealt with years ago and now all of a sudden it is now time. Markhas been his usual wonderful self by standing by my side. Without going into ugly family issues let me say first before I go forward I am very blessed by my families and love them very deeply.
The issue boils down to that no one really knows me or tries to know me. They don't know my dreams, goals, ideals, frustrations and/or blessings unless they are directly affected by it.They just don't seem to care. I feel so lost in the crowd because of that and this is an ongoing thing for almost 20 years now.
When Mark and I first started dating he was encouraged to find someone else and not settle for the first girl he found. The night we got married his family insisted on a family photo without the new bride and continued to do the same thing for 14 years until new inlaws were part of the family and it couldn't be ignored anymore that there were new members of the family. I hurt and felt so rejected and unimportant everytime I see the pictures that were up of for years without the one member of the family not in them. They just didn't get it. If anyone could have felt less actually accepted I did.
There are all kinds of other reasons that I could list but I constantly ask God to forgive me for not forgeting the hurt. My heart really loves them in spite of not feeling wanted. They are beautiful people that just don't stop to think how it affects us! Because they hurt Mark more than me. I just ask that God give me the strength to once again find a well of love above what I already have for my family. I do love them.
God cleanse my heart!
The issue boils down to that no one really knows me or tries to know me. They don't know my dreams, goals, ideals, frustrations and/or blessings unless they are directly affected by it.They just don't seem to care. I feel so lost in the crowd because of that and this is an ongoing thing for almost 20 years now.
When Mark and I first started dating he was encouraged to find someone else and not settle for the first girl he found. The night we got married his family insisted on a family photo without the new bride and continued to do the same thing for 14 years until new inlaws were part of the family and it couldn't be ignored anymore that there were new members of the family. I hurt and felt so rejected and unimportant everytime I see the pictures that were up of for years without the one member of the family not in them. They just didn't get it. If anyone could have felt less actually accepted I did.
There are all kinds of other reasons that I could list but I constantly ask God to forgive me for not forgeting the hurt. My heart really loves them in spite of not feeling wanted. They are beautiful people that just don't stop to think how it affects us! Because they hurt Mark more than me. I just ask that God give me the strength to once again find a well of love above what I already have for my family. I do love them.
God cleanse my heart!
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Life in Perspective
God and I have been in constant conversation lately. A lot of emotions have been rattling around in my brain as new events and old issues have surfaced in the past few months. It amazes me that when God is trying to do the most work on you tht is when you feel the worst but only by your own making. I always want to resist the tweaking time God does. It frustrates me that I can't be a good little girl and say okay God I get it and will do! Instead I spend most of my time saying uh-huh not me the other person made me feel/say/do that! Which goes to show exactly why he is working on me so often. There are several things that have percipitated this thought today.
1. Reality: God has shown me once again that no matter how much I think I have everything under control He allows things to be that we don't understand or that will grow us or both. Ethan's hearing issues have made me realize that God once again has purpose for Ethan's loss of hearing. I pray that God will give us wisdom in how we handle teaching Ethan to adjust to this new phase.
2. Reconciliation: God is working on me to share love with everyone whether I feel it or not and to rely on Him even though I may have to find that love to share through Him.
3. Forgiveness: I read a book today that clearly defines (just like the Bible -but God needed to put a bull's eye between my eyes) how He has given forgiveness and He expects us to also show this to others. We may have to forgive multiple times because we pick it back up from te throne where we have laid it but we can continue to lay it back down. He will be there to hold our hand when we do it.
4. Joy: Yes not all I have conversed with God has been negative. I have heard God through multiple avenues this week and I am so thankful to apply this one. God wants us to be joyful. He created us for His joy and since we are made in his image we surely are made for joy! I am praying that I continually seek Joy from God and don't let the enemy steal it!!!
Until next time blessings!!
1. Reality: God has shown me once again that no matter how much I think I have everything under control He allows things to be that we don't understand or that will grow us or both. Ethan's hearing issues have made me realize that God once again has purpose for Ethan's loss of hearing. I pray that God will give us wisdom in how we handle teaching Ethan to adjust to this new phase.
2. Reconciliation: God is working on me to share love with everyone whether I feel it or not and to rely on Him even though I may have to find that love to share through Him.
3. Forgiveness: I read a book today that clearly defines (just like the Bible -but God needed to put a bull's eye between my eyes) how He has given forgiveness and He expects us to also show this to others. We may have to forgive multiple times because we pick it back up from te throne where we have laid it but we can continue to lay it back down. He will be there to hold our hand when we do it.
4. Joy: Yes not all I have conversed with God has been negative. I have heard God through multiple avenues this week and I am so thankful to apply this one. God wants us to be joyful. He created us for His joy and since we are made in his image we surely are made for joy! I am praying that I continually seek Joy from God and don't let the enemy steal it!!!
Until next time blessings!!
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